The Forest Has Many Secrets
by Gatorface
Summary: Eddy hears a rumor about a dead body in the woods and drags Edd and Ed with him to find it. They may not be prepared for what they find, however. Introductory scene to a story that won't be continued, written to try and capture the Eds' dynamic personalities.


"Eddy, it's not that I don't appreciate your unusual enthusiasm this early on a Saturday, but _really_. This whole situation seems highly improbable, don't you think?" Double D tried to dig his heels into the pavement but merely skidded along behind his friend. "I have a schedule to keep, so if you'll please just…" It was no use. Eddy's grip remained unyielding, and Double D's cursed lack of lower body strength left him jogging just to keep from going face-first into the sidewalk.

"Schedule, schmedule. Lighten up, Double D, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity for us."

"Get it while supplies last!" Ed added.

"You got that right, Lumpy. Dead bodies don't just fall from the sky every day around here."

"They don't…well, that's not necessarily true. But I still say it's extremely unlikely there'd be a," Double D's throat clenched, but he willed himself the fortitude to continue. "A corpse in the woods. Where did you hear such a ridiculous rumor?"

The three boys turned down the alley.

"I've got 'sources,' Double D."

"He heard the Kankers talking about it," Ed said in a loud stage whisper.

"Ed!"

"Oh _really_. Eddy, doesn't it ever occur to you this might be a trap set by the Kankers to lure us into their grasp? Leading us into the woods on a wild goose chase for a so-called 'dead body'?"

"Those harpies couldn't catch a fish with a barrel."

Double D pinched the bridge of his nose. "That's not even how the idiom goes. This is utterly foolhardy and I demand you let go of me this instant." His voice was turning shrill with annoyance, but the looming threat of an entire day spent dodging the Kanker sisters overpowered his better judgment. To his surprise, Eddy actually let go of his wrist and slowed to a walk.

"Calm down, grandma. Look, they weren't even talkin' to me. I only found out because I'm a master at eavesdropping. This is real top-secret stuff. Lee decked Johnny Two-by-four just because she thought he was listening." Eddy slung his arm over Double D's shoulders in a conspiratorial gesture. "This is their little secret, and we're going to get to it first." Then he was off again, and it was all Double D could do to keep up.

The story sounded plausible; it was certainly the sort of thing the Kankers would do. He still didn't trust that this wasn't all a scheme, but it did have Eddy awake before ten on a weekend. He and Ed _did_ seem excited.

Wait. Was that a good thing? They were at the edge of the woods, soon they'd pass the metaphorical point of no return. He might have one last chance to dissuade his friends—but how?

"Guys?" Ed called.

He realized Ed had stopped just inside the tree line. Relieved, Double D slowed to a stop. "Yes, Ed?"

"Why are we doing this again?"

Eddy stomped back through the brush. "I told ya, it's a friend thing."

"How? I fail to see what's so friendly about a dead body."

"You know, you hear about a dead body and you go to see it. It's important, I dunno." He jammed his hands inside his coat pockets. "Come on, this is never going to happen again."

Ed didn't look convinced by this. This could be the chance he needed…

"I saw it in a movie once," Eddy added.

"Oh. Okay!" Ed brightened up and trotted past a dumbfounded Double D. He paused to wave the boy on, jogging in place. "Come on, Double D, Eddy saw it in a movie once."

"I heard," he muttered.

"Get a move on, it's not getting any deader," Mr. Movie-Logic called from the trees ahead.

"Eddy, that's horrible!"

"Well? Are you convinced now? We've been up and down this whole area. The entire thing was a fabrication. Let's go home, Eddy."

"No way. It's gotta be here."

Double D sat down on a fallen tree (after making it as clean as possible and laying down a convenient handkerchief). It was a beautiful morning to be in the woods, Double D had to admit. The leaves were just beginning to turn, and the treetops seemed marbled with green, orange, and yellow. The light reminded him of foggy stained glass. He marveled to think of the complex processes of photosynthesis happening above his head. His friends didn't seem impressed by the tacit beauty of nature.

Eddy pushed the underbrush around with a large stick, as though the body was hidden just out of sight. Ed stuck his head inside a long-dead tree trunk and reappeared with a large black centipede scrabbling over his head. Eddy stifled a laugh.

"Hey Ed, I think your eyebrow's getting away."

"Really?" He clapped his hands over his forehead, and the centipede ran over his fingers. He gasped. "There it goes. I got you. I got you." He chased it around his head with his fingers. Finally, Ed clasped his hands over the bug and opened them triumphantly. "I got it, guys. Never fear, Ed's eyebrow is always near."

"Ed, that's a worm, you idiot," Eddy said, still laughing.

Ed jumped back, flapping his hands. Double D rolled his eyes and couldn't help but giggle.

"Actually, it's a _Harpaphe haydeniana_." He pulled a pair of tweezers from under his hat and carefully extracted the centipede from Ed's jacket sleeve, placing it back inside the hollow tree. "Now, if you're done frightening the wildlife half to death, I suggest we go back."

Eddy sighed deeply. He swung the stick around absently as he tried to think of an excuse to keep going. "Wait! I got it. There's one place we haven't looked."

"Where? Where could that possibly be?" Double D asked.

"This place, my brother told me about it. It's real quiet and lonely, you know?"

"Secluded, you mean?"

"Yeah, yeah, Webster. Whatever. Let's go."

"Okey dokey pokey," Ed said with a laugh. Double D sighed. He wouldn't ask why Eddy's brother might know a secluded place in the woods. He could guess.

The spot in question was closer to the creek than to town. It was a wide, nearly oval-shaped clearing ringed by tall, skinny trees. One large tree sat to the northwest (he guessed, lacking a compass). The three stood ankle-deep in ferns and brush.

"While it is a very tranquil spot, I don't think you'll find your dead body here, Eddy." Double D picked his way through the brush, anxious that he couldn't quite see where he was putting his feet. A bit further in, he could see peculiar scars on the wide trunk of the tree. He leaned forward and squinted.

"Is that _graffiti_? What animals would mutilate such a beautiful old tree?" He started forward, glancing down but less concerned about his feet. "Just the thought, those—"

"Those what?" Eddy goaded from the other side of the clearing.

"I think Double D is about to say a bad word," Ed snickered.

Double D gaped but his throat felt cemented with terror. Barely two yards in front of him, the ferns parted around a clump of brown hair. He couldn't quite see it, but presumably there was a body attached to that hair.

Oh, how he hoped there was a body.

Eddy tromped toward him. "You okay? What, is there something _good_ on that tree?"

"B-body," he coughed, his throat finally opening. He barely withheld the scream rising in his chest. "There really is a body." Double D backpedaled furiously. He tripped on his own foot and went sprawling on his back.

"What, are you serious?"

"Is it cool?" Ed asked as he joined them. Double D just wheezed.

"I can't tell." Eddy brandished the stick cautiously ahead of him. "Maybe if I just—"

"Don't you dare," Double D rasped from the ferns. "Isn't it bad enough we found it? This knowledge is on our hands. The shroud of death is permanently imprinted inside our brains; we'll never be the same! And you want to poke it with a stick?"

"Jeez, calm down, Double D." Eddy kept his voice steady, but withdrew the stick.

"How can I calm down?" He choked again and laid back, trying not to think of the body in front of him or the dirt beneath him, and ended up brutally aware of both.

"Guys?"

"Whatever it is, just no, Ed. Let's just go. I beg you, Eddy."

"Guys?" Ed's voice drew out and wavered. Maybe he was finally getting it.

Eddy circled behind Ed and extended the stick for Double D to grab, pulling him to his feet. "What, Ed?"

They heard a phlegmy, garbled sound, like a snarl. Eddy turned from Double D, who squeezed his eyes shut and breathed deeply. "Shut up, Ed. Let's go, this is nothing like the movie. Let the Kankers deal with this." He got another growling noise in response. Eddy whirled, brandishing the stick. "I said, can it!"

Ed ignored him, apparently stiff with fear. Eddy followed his gaze to the body lifting itself off the ground. A sunburned shoulder parted the long, tangled hair.

"Double D, are you seeing this?"

"Zombie!" Ed yelled, loud enough to make his friends' ears ring. Before they knew what was happening, he'd hoisted them like salamis beneath his arms. The stench of Ed's armpit snapped Double D out of his panic like a cheesy smelling salt.

"Ed wait. Listen to me. That's not a zombie."

"It's a zombie, Double D. I know zombies."

"Zombies don't exist, Ed. That's not a corpse, that's a living person."

"Nuh-uh, zombies are dead people."

"It's not a zombie, you lump!" Eddy screeched. He flailed under Ed's other arm. "Let me go, Ed."

Ed turned, still holding his friends with an unbreakable grip. "Identify yourself, demon of the netherworld who's come to suck our brains out our nostrils!"

The "zombie" stood unsteadily and cupped its head in its hands. They made out a slurred, "What?" It dropped its hands and turned bodily to face them. They weren't looking at a zombie but a scrawny, sunburned young woman. A very nude woman. Double D could practically hear the gears spinning in Ed's head. They may not connect to anything, but they were moving. Ed dropped them unceremoniously and clapped his hands over his eyes with a loud _smack_.

Double D gasped in fresh air and scrabbled behind Ed, shielding his own eyes and sputtering apologies. He reached blindly over and attempted to cover Eddy's eyes as well, out of courtesy. Eddy tried to slap his hand away.

"I don't—I mean, we don't mean—this is all so embarrassing—I, oh my," he stammered. He couldn't see if they'd upset the woman, but that was probably for the best.

"I got this, guys!" Ed yelled. Double D's ears rang again. He dared to part his fingers enough to see Ed shed his jacket and blindly attempt to push the woman inside it. Finally, she fumbled with the zipper and closed the jacket over herself. The hem hung nearly to her knees and the sleeves obscured her hands. She pressed the heel of one hand to her forehead.

Eddy snickered. "Make friends with Ed's lucky pocket cheese, why don't you?"

"Eddy," Double D admonished in a harsh whisper. He composed himself and cleared his throat, as best he could. "While Ed's hygiene may leave something to be desired, it was very nice of him to offer his jacket." He patted Ed on the shoulder. He shuddered deep in his chest and the thought of touching the inside of Ed's jacket with his skin.

"It is the mark of a true gentleman, Double D," Ed said.

"How very chivalrous of you." Ed gave him a blank smile. Well, he tried. "I'd like to apologize for my friends." The woman gave a muffled response he couldn't quite understand. "Is there any way we can help you? Um, anyone you could call, perhaps?" She made a slightly different sound, still too muffled to understand. Smiling tensely, Double D pressed on. "Pardon?"

"Town," she said loudly. "Which way is town?"

"You can't go out in public like that. Isn't there anything we can do, um, Miss…?" He paused for an answer that didn't come. "You don't seem entirely healthy."

"No. I'm fine. I'm going. Thank you," she said. Hunched and wincing in the leaf-spotted light, she walked to the large tree and stood for a moment, supporting herself against the trunk. Double D moved to again ask to help, but Eddy yawned exaggeratedly behind him.

"Come on, let's go. I've got things to do."

"Oh now, all of a sudden, you have a schedule," Double D said. The shorter boy was already disappearing into the treeline. Ed looked worriedly between his two friends, unsure who to side with. "This woman needs our help, clearly. Don't you think that's the right thing to do?"

"No, I don't."

Double D stammered for a moment, and then it hit him. He jogged to keep up. "You're disappointed? You're actually disappointed this woman isn't a corpse? Eddy! How can you display such a disgusting lack of human empathy?"

Eddy whirled, poised to yell, when Ed called, "Wait for me, guys."

"'Bout time, Lumpy."

Ed suddenly glanced down. He held his arms out, confused, then turned back. "Wait, I forgot something." Double D was about to tell him to leave the jacket, it was the least they could do, but Ed returned with his jacket slung over his shoulder, the woman still inside it.

"You can have the jacket back, put me down," she groaned.

"Nope, afraid I can't do that," Ed responded.

"Why not?"

"The cheese has many secrets."

"Drop it, Ed," Eddy said, as though talking to a dog.

"Aw, but Eddy. She's got my coat."

Double D put a hand on Eddy' shoulder. "Ed's obstinacy could be a blessing in disguise, Eddy. Let him bring her back. We can do something to help her, and then she'll be on her way."

"Yeah? What do I get out of it?"

"Why, the warm feeling of helping another human being. I knew you'd understand."

Eddy frowned deeply. "Alright, alright, quit touchin' me. Jeez."

::Author's Note::

I liked this introductory scene enough to write it because the Eds' personalities can carry a scene in a way a lot of my characters can't. Just some practice with dilalogue-heavy interaction, since I write so many introspective, observational stories. 99% sure I won't coninue the story, since the overall concept doesn't feel worth it. So in the long run, this was more about the Eds' personalities than actually introducing Nameless Mystery Female.

The geography of the cul-de-sac and surrounding woods might be wrong. I didn't have the map when I was writing, I just ran from memory.

ETA as of 04 Feb. 2013: Apologies if this bumps the story on anyone's watchlist, or however that works here now. Sometimes you notice a mistake and it'll kill you if you don't fix it. So that happened.


End file.
